Oh, no, no...It was the hand job...

I originally woke up at 5:30 this morning, and stayed up long enough to watch the sunrise. The way the whole world wakes up slowly but surely, fighting the old and striking a new flame. Everyday is a new flame, but some days you shine brighter that others, and some days it feels like the fire is completely gone, like the rain washed you away.
Once I finally fell back asleep, I had multiple, colorful, and barely memorable dreams in the sense that all I remember was that it was good, and they were just too happy for me to remember. My own human mind wants me to suffer through the sludge and grudge of everyday affairs, because I'm not unhappy enough to be considered depressed. I'm just exhausted in every sense of the word, and I'm not excluding the regular of sleep.
Can you be exhausted from paper work, even though I haven't had any in almost three months? Can I be exhausted from playing, even though it's only been a week?
It feels as if all my passion for life, my flavor, my zest was taken away from the minute I uttered 'You fucked yourself over.'
I think honestly I was the one that fucked themselves over, because this whole, not having you think (even though I guess I never fully, and really had you) is breaking me down like the Berlin Wall. I haven't cried over it yet, but I guess I'm in shock...maybe...
Can you be in shock for a couple days? Or does that just automatically qualify you for the word 'numb'?
Yeah, numb would be cool, except when I start to see my old friends again.
It's like, a sudden flame started up in me, that I haven't had in a couple years, and it feels amazing. And, in the midst of all this typing, I suddenly realized something about myself. (Hey, this journal thing works out pretty good, 'ol chap)
I am a very dependent person. I have to have people in my life that can make me smile, cry , laugh, and just experience things so I'm not a robot anymore.
So, I'm naturally afraid that if I watch any romance flick, I'll cry, so, we'll just safe that for when I'm fully alive again, and I won't rust up from the water works.
I'm not saying It'll be soon, and that it'd be easy, but god dammit, I'm starting from square one, and I want my old life back.
Syonarra Buckaroo.