Forget about the useless words, the whole hearted verbs and my countless blurbs.
I'm just a bull in a china shop, the headlining reads she's nothing but disaster.
I spill my soul onto a canvas for you, but you just shoot at my (de)feet and tell me to dance. I can't take it right now, and I only heard the words yesterday, so somehow I know this thing could get harder. I wish I could see your smile again, but I just knew it was useless for me to even dream.
"She's Ms. America and I'm just the girl next door."
I know I'm more than the girl next door, because I won't let people have their memory of me be a dull one. I'm a razor in the way that I should cut through your mind, scarring only the best thoughts. But, I still know that when the time comes, and the seasons change, you won't care about me.
And the truth in the matter is that I don't think that I could handle this heartbreak. love in first sight is a bitch, but lose in first love is even harder. And right now I'm the worse player, my score a messily little 0, compared to the all states perfect record.
I knew I was in over my head, and head over heels, but my heart's the worse candidate at the moment.
-sigh- let me mold into what you want because I know that what I am isn't who you want me to be.
It's bad, but it's true.
I'm going to go watch a good John Hughes movie and just remind myself that I could never be Pretty in Pi/u/nk.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Test, Test, Testing. TESTosterone. TESTicular Cancer
Work.
Work.
Work.
Work.
I wish I could make things right again, and I wish that you could believe me that I'm right.
Yes, I'm right, so back off. I know in my heart that everything should be okay again, but I just wish that you, SAMuel would just take my word on it and get your head out of your ass.
-sigh-
I guess everything can't be perfect and I guess that I have to grow a deeper hide, because as AJ told me today, people are gonna be haten on me.
I feel so gangasta using the word 'haten.'
Like, I feel as if maybe I should go hug Gabe and then do the 2 step.
But, I don't know, tomorrows the beginning of a new year and I hope that this year will be my best so far.
Call me crazy, but I have a good feeling about this.
Wish me luck, world.
And tell me to fly.
Work.
Work.
Work.
I wish I could make things right again, and I wish that you could believe me that I'm right.
Yes, I'm right, so back off. I know in my heart that everything should be okay again, but I just wish that you, SAMuel would just take my word on it and get your head out of your ass.
-sigh-
I guess everything can't be perfect and I guess that I have to grow a deeper hide, because as AJ told me today, people are gonna be haten on me.
I feel so gangasta using the word 'haten.'
Like, I feel as if maybe I should go hug Gabe and then do the 2 step.
But, I don't know, tomorrows the beginning of a new year and I hope that this year will be my best so far.
Call me crazy, but I have a good feeling about this.
Wish me luck, world.
And tell me to fly.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Oh, no, no...It was the hand job...
I originally woke up at 5:30 this morning, and stayed up long enough to watch the sunrise. The way the whole world wakes up slowly but surely, fighting the old and striking a new flame. Everyday is a new flame, but some days you shine brighter that others, and some days it feels like the fire is completely gone, like the rain washed you away.
Once I finally fell back asleep, I had multiple, colorful, and barely memorable dreams in the sense that all I remember was that it was good, and they were just too happy for me to remember. My own human mind wants me to suffer through the sludge and grudge of everyday affairs, because I'm not unhappy enough to be considered depressed. I'm just exhausted in every sense of the word, and I'm not excluding the regular of sleep.
Can you be exhausted from paper work, even though I haven't had any in almost three months? Can I be exhausted from playing, even though it's only been a week?
It feels as if all my passion for life, my flavor, my zest was taken away from the minute I uttered 'You fucked yourself over.'
I think honestly I was the one that fucked themselves over, because this whole, not having you think (even though I guess I never fully, and really had you) is breaking me down like the Berlin Wall. I haven't cried over it yet, but I guess I'm in shock...maybe...
Can you be in shock for a couple days? Or does that just automatically qualify you for the word 'numb'?
Yeah, numb would be cool, except when I start to see my old friends again.
It's like, a sudden flame started up in me, that I haven't had in a couple years, and it feels amazing. And, in the midst of all this typing, I suddenly realized something about myself. (Hey, this journal thing works out pretty good, 'ol chap)
I am a very dependent person. I have to have people in my life that can make me smile, cry , laugh, and just experience things so I'm not a robot anymore.
So, I'm naturally afraid that if I watch any romance flick, I'll cry, so, we'll just safe that for when I'm fully alive again, and I won't rust up from the water works.
I'm not saying It'll be soon, and that it'd be easy, but god dammit, I'm starting from square one, and I want my old life back.
Syonarra Buckaroo.
Once I finally fell back asleep, I had multiple, colorful, and barely memorable dreams in the sense that all I remember was that it was good, and they were just too happy for me to remember. My own human mind wants me to suffer through the sludge and grudge of everyday affairs, because I'm not unhappy enough to be considered depressed. I'm just exhausted in every sense of the word, and I'm not excluding the regular of sleep.
Can you be exhausted from paper work, even though I haven't had any in almost three months? Can I be exhausted from playing, even though it's only been a week?
It feels as if all my passion for life, my flavor, my zest was taken away from the minute I uttered 'You fucked yourself over.'
I think honestly I was the one that fucked themselves over, because this whole, not having you think (even though I guess I never fully, and really had you) is breaking me down like the Berlin Wall. I haven't cried over it yet, but I guess I'm in shock...maybe...
Can you be in shock for a couple days? Or does that just automatically qualify you for the word 'numb'?
Yeah, numb would be cool, except when I start to see my old friends again.
It's like, a sudden flame started up in me, that I haven't had in a couple years, and it feels amazing. And, in the midst of all this typing, I suddenly realized something about myself. (Hey, this journal thing works out pretty good, 'ol chap)
I am a very dependent person. I have to have people in my life that can make me smile, cry , laugh, and just experience things so I'm not a robot anymore.
So, I'm naturally afraid that if I watch any romance flick, I'll cry, so, we'll just safe that for when I'm fully alive again, and I won't rust up from the water works.
I'm not saying It'll be soon, and that it'd be easy, but god dammit, I'm starting from square one, and I want my old life back.
Syonarra Buckaroo.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I'm not addicted to the drugs, I'm addicted to the glamour
It's amazing how the last few days were truly put into perspective.
I haven't been able to sleep. but I feel like it's taking the edge off my oh so harsh self, like a soothing medication that I can't seem to control, just all alone. I love the way I feel when my mind is clear and my thoughts are so calm they just seem to drift in and out of my conscious state.
I think that this was for the best in the end, that I already knew, deep in my gut, this wont work out. Just, something finally possessed me and told me the right thing to do, and now, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Sure, at first I wanted to break down, but I'm too harsh on myself to let a silly little thing like heart break keep me away. I thought about rebounding, but I just know it'd be even more heart break in the end that I couldn't spare. I couldn't afford, on my nickel and dime tactics, to stretch the hole, into three, so instead I'll just patching things up and keep stitching my own quilt.
If I could say one thing to you honey, it would be to try harder. At everything, not all of the best and worse will fall into your lap, so you have to try to get the shit, but you have to try even harder to get the gold, aka Phelps.
~sigh
I think I learned too much from finally watching Party Monster. "I'm not addicted to the drugs...I'm addicted to the glamor."
I wasn't addicted to your love, I was addicted to the way that I knew you were always there.
I am, my own monster, a worthless breath, and a single thread, only woven into a set of shoes to big to fill.
'All you need is love.'
I love everyone, but the question is, will I find anyone I could ever be in love with? I'm the opposite of you, Mr. Unattainable man, in the sense that I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. The truth is, I won't let myself fall in love because, all I've heard is the negative. Nothing positive comes out of love, and when you realize that you love this person, and they for sure are with you for eternity, it's the rest of their breaths that take it away. Nothing in this life is guaranteed except death.
So why not get my money back guarantee?
I haven't been able to sleep. but I feel like it's taking the edge off my oh so harsh self, like a soothing medication that I can't seem to control, just all alone. I love the way I feel when my mind is clear and my thoughts are so calm they just seem to drift in and out of my conscious state.
I think that this was for the best in the end, that I already knew, deep in my gut, this wont work out. Just, something finally possessed me and told me the right thing to do, and now, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Sure, at first I wanted to break down, but I'm too harsh on myself to let a silly little thing like heart break keep me away. I thought about rebounding, but I just know it'd be even more heart break in the end that I couldn't spare. I couldn't afford, on my nickel and dime tactics, to stretch the hole, into three, so instead I'll just patching things up and keep stitching my own quilt.
If I could say one thing to you honey, it would be to try harder. At everything, not all of the best and worse will fall into your lap, so you have to try to get the shit, but you have to try even harder to get the gold, aka Phelps.
~sigh
I think I learned too much from finally watching Party Monster. "I'm not addicted to the drugs...I'm addicted to the glamor."
I wasn't addicted to your love, I was addicted to the way that I knew you were always there.
I am, my own monster, a worthless breath, and a single thread, only woven into a set of shoes to big to fill.
'All you need is love.'
I love everyone, but the question is, will I find anyone I could ever be in love with? I'm the opposite of you, Mr. Unattainable man, in the sense that I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. The truth is, I won't let myself fall in love because, all I've heard is the negative. Nothing positive comes out of love, and when you realize that you love this person, and they for sure are with you for eternity, it's the rest of their breaths that take it away. Nothing in this life is guaranteed except death.
So why not get my money back guarantee?
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